Super Healthy

I just had the most healthiest of lunches today. Had a bowl of Chicken Stew which had mushrooms, carrots, celery, some unidentified vegetables and chicken (DUH! what did you expect in chicken stew?). This came with a small bread roll. To finish off I had a small bowl of cut pineapples (really sweet ones), strawberries and kiwi fruit.

Surprisingly I feel full and the fruit actually managed to satisfy my sweet tooth. Now if only I can keep this up at least every other day....that would be a start to getting more healthy.

I think its time to start taking some care with what I put in my mouth. All sorts of illnesses are popping up these days and I dont want to become part of the statistics any time soon.

Have to get back to work now. Ciao!

I miss holding hands

I feel his strong male fingers inter-twining between my own....his fingers move down, meeting the ring I wear on my right hand...he stops subtly....and gently caresses my ring like a seductive lover with the tip of his finger... his exploration of my hands travel further as his fingers encounter my palms..which are undoubtedly burning hot under his ministrations.....his thumbs slowly outline the lines of my palm, tracing the very fate lines that brought us together at this moment...his hand now moves down and matches my finger tips, his palm now encircling mine...how small my own hands feel within the cushion of his....his hands begin a warm languorous embrace with mine...spooning so closely with my fingers... slowly evoking and stirring desires in me that I have not known existed before...

No I am not trying to write por*n. Just feeling very lonesome and I miss the simple yet complex action of holding hands.... Sighs... Where for art thou romeo?

Moments

My days are filled with the chitter chatter of wonderful people who jest and simply make me laugh out loud with nary a care in the world. Their quick witted remarks fire my equally clever witted answers. I find myself being constantly around people, and I enjoy it.

Yet, there are times where I find myself alone, amidst all that chitter chatter. Deep inside, a dull ache surfaces and tugs at my heartstrings. Despite the beautiful companions I have found, there is a longing for someone who will delve deeper inside me, someone special to share my funny anecdotes with. Sometimes I find myself asking God when I will meet my mate. She doesnt really give me a reply, but then again, everything is done at Her own time, a time which She knows is best for me.

I still cant help feeling sad at times though. I turn into myself and shut myself inside my cocoon and ponder on how nice it would be to find that person. Its painfully sad when I go out shopping alone, and I realise that I am the only single person wandering around. Sighs.... The show must go on eh?

100th POST

YAY! I have finally reached my 100th post. It sure took a long time to reach here with my very laggy postings and all. But hey! Its all good.

Ok I know I promised to write about my new job. well, I am into 2nd week at this new place. What can I say, I'm Loving It. The colleagues and superiors are friendly and approachable. The organisation had a very cute way of extending their welcome to the staff. On the first day of work, they give out 'welcome boxes' which contain a list of important phone numbers, stationery, email information, a bookmark from the human resource that has my name and start date on it, a bottle of essence of chicken (to counter the lethargy of the first day at work i suppose) and a welcome letter. In whole its a very warm and fuzzy feeling.

Yes there are a lot of hurdles for me to overcome since I have never had the experience of working in such a huge organisation before. But it isnt as bad as I had expected. I did not sleep a wink the night before I started work, and I had a lot of butterflies in my tummy due to apprehension.

I dont really want to give the exact workplace details though...privacy issues and all you see. However, I can reveal that the post is that of a Junior Officer dealing with the youth sector of the organisation. Meetings can be literally a major pain in the butt though :P Alright, adios amigos. Thanks for all your good wishes. I shall get back to work now.

Have a great week!

Encounters of the Weird Kind

This was so damn embarassing. I actually met a quite prominent person in the lift at work today and I chatted her with her like she was a fellow employee. Didnt realise that she was a prominent person. Haiyo! Embarassing!

If you are wondering, yes, I have a new job now. More about it over the weekend. I practically feel like a zombie.

Shadows

Why do people assume things without knowing the reality? Why do they prefer not to trust my words, and instead they go about looking at me with a suspicious eye?

I dont have a boyfriend. Yet, each time I go out with my friends, my mother asks me which guy I went out with. I am 25 years old for God's sake. I dont pub/club and I come home by 10pm at night. Why is it so hard for them to just trust my words for once?

When I was young, I wasnt allowed to bring friends home and I wasnt allowed to go to their homes either; not even for a buddy's birthday party. I couldn't make or receive phone calls to my friends unless it was school related. I never went for a movie with any friends till I was 17 (after secondary school) and that too was done in secret for fear of getting scoldings from the parents. There were days when a few classmates used to go out to Mcdonald's after school to get sundaes, I was the one who had to go home the moment the school bell rang. It might be because of this that I do not have as many friends as I ought to have.

The number of times I went for a movie with the parents, I can count in one hand. 3 times exactly; Ferngully, Flintstones and some movie about a witch with a cauldron. We (my sis and I) lived the life of a recluse. Bedtime was strictly at 9pm sharp, no ifs and buts. When we got home from school, we had to automatically shower and rest a while before we had to do our homework and watch a little tv before dinner. After dinner, we could read or play computer games before we had to hit the bed. We weren't even allowed to run down to the store for sweets or ice-cream.

Yes, I didn't have any wants when I was young, in terms of material needs. But there was never a more pathetic existence. Even now, at this age, my every move is controlled by the parents. If I am on the telephone with a friend, everyone immediately assumes that I am whispering sweet-nothings to a boy friend. When I inform them that I am going out, they look at me suspiciously and ask me which guy I am roaming with.

Give me a break please! You should be happy that I am not getting high on drugs or sleeping around with a few guys. I am not doing anything illegal either. All I do is meet up with friends for a cup of coffee and a chat. Why is that so tough to digest?

I feel like screaming. Do they want me to go pick up some bum from the streets just to prove them right?

Pictures! Pictures!

PICTURES!!!!

This is my favourite part of the house...


Ganesha relaxing on Diwali Day! hehehehe


My attempt at macro shots

OKAY! more pics later...

Diwali! (late post)

Happy Diwali!!! Ooops my post is a few days too late due to all that Diwali cleaning and cooking and washing. My bones are still complaining after all that non-stop work. I have some pictures to share, but I have to run to the vet with the puppy now. Will be back!

Wrong Number

The home phone rang a while ago and I picked up...

Me: Hello
Unknown Bird-brained lady (UBL): Hallo
Me: Yes?
UBL: Hallo...er...What place is this?
Me: HUH?
UBL: I want to know what place is this.
Me: HUH? You called me and you are asking me what place this is?
UBL: Ya, I want to know what place is this.
Me: How did you get this number and who are you?
UBL: Er...Sorry I think I got the wrong number.

Weirdo-Mundo. Very weird people out there. But hahaha I have her telephone number on my caller ID. Shall I call her back and ask her 'What place is this?'.

Idiotic people

The previous post, in case any of you were wondering, is about my sister's husband. I have never come across such a manipulative and calculating person in my life. And to set the record straight, I have never been this furious in my life.
Just today, he brought his friend over for a meal without asking anyone if it was ok to do so. Yesterday was packed lunch for the friend, and today its bringing the friend home for a meal. My mom had her lunch at 3pm yesterday because she prepared the food and served my sister's husband and packed the food for his friend and then had lunch. Just because the friend is his business partner, none of us are obliged to entertain him or to do things for him. I am not being petty about food, but this shouldnt become a convenient habit.

And yes, I am literally seeing red because this is the friend with whom he set up the company with. There were many crappy excuses on why they couldnt employ me there, while the actual reason was because they simply did not think I was worth or smart enough to be employed in their high-tech, high-flying office. In what way am I less able or in what way did I fault him to give me that kind of shit.

So am I wrong in picking fights and feeling upset all the time? Why do I have to be nice and tolerate someone who does not bother about me at all? It is not something that is impossible for him to have done, knowing my situation. The hurt simply boils inside me and keeps burning me with anger. Each time I see his face, I just get so irritated at even the smallest things he does or says. He can actually comment that I am antisocial, but he doesnt know that I am just keeping my mouth shut because I do not want to scream at him. But sadly, I am really disgusted at people's attitudes.

There is really no meaning in relatives etc. It is all a lie. Once their work is done, you are cast off like a pair of worn boots. Every person has to stand up for his or her own and look after their affairs first. Because at the end of the day, its those closest to you who like to mock you when you are at your lowest.

leech

There are some people who are born in this world just to be of inconvenience to others. They sweet talk and bribe with small and OH so very sweet gestures, but at the back, their minds work overtime to see how and where they can take advantage in double. When one is so educated and supposedly in a higher level than all the rest of us lowly plebians, isnt it common sense that a person with health problems needs rest? Is it nice to take advantage and ride on a person's welcome and pretend like its a right owed to him? And yet, the so-called smartie cannot offer help to one who is in dire need when he can easily do so if he really is concerned as he claims.

You are so fake and yet you walk around all high and mighty. No one owes you anything. What have you done in return for all that they have done for you?

You earn much much more than 75% of the country, cant you afford to foot your own bills for your own expenditures and for your own life? When someone gives it to you, and you know that the person is not well to do and old, cant you open your mouth and say NO? And yet you have abused and hurt the person numerous times over petty things and called names that hurt. Doesnt it ever gnaw on your conscience? That person does so many things for your wellbeing and is so concerned about you and wishes to see you succeed, but have you ever inquired about that person's health? It is always about you you and you.
Even if you cant be of help, you shouldnt be a pain. But sadly you have not even an ounce of gratitude. You act nice now but when your vicious plans dont work, you will start hurling rocks.
A person who lives of others, is in essence no better than a blood sucking leech.

Where Do I Run?

Where do I run to? Nothing is working out. No one seems to give a damn, but they wont leave me alone either. All I hear is that I am never good enough.

I am never smart enough to get a proper job; Never pretty enough to get a boyfriend; Never enthusiastic enough about life; Never dressed well enough to not look like a fat slob all the time; Never good enough for anything else than to sit in front of the computer; Never motivated enough to do more than what is asked of me; Never friendly enough to make friends and acquaintances; Never good enough to do anything worth!

Where do I run to get away from myself?
HOW DO I GET AWAY FROM MY FUCKING USELESS LIFE?

Why

Why

At this moment I seem to have a lot of 'WHYS' in my life. It has begun to eat me up from the inside and now there is a gnawing uncertainty playing constantly at the back of my mind.

Whatever activity I happen to be doing, I cant seem to be able to stop this background worrying. If only there was a switch to turn it off and on. Sighs...

Well, I have not been blogging due to the fact that has become stagnated and there is nothing worth writing about. I could go on about dull and mundane things like how the IMF must have cost a bomb because I am seeing flowers all over Suntec and Orchard or I could crib on how hot the weather has become that I might melt into a puddle of human on the sidewalk someday soon.... BUT I am not going to blog about all that.

From my reading of other blogs, I at least see other bloggers' lives' moving forward, or at the very least moving backwards. Mine seems to have gotten stuck with superglue.

OK...Sorry about this absolutely nonsense entry. I am officially insane and in the drain.

If reading my entry causes your grey matter to erode and leak from your orifices, please do not blame me. GAH.

Now, ask yourself, WHY you read my blog today.....

Blogging Tornado! Phew...

Heh...My third post for the day. I dont think I have ever done this many posts in one day.

Anyways this is a real quick post, more of an update actually. My mom went for her review at the doctor's last friday and the doctor has given her the all clear. It doesnt mean that she is perfectly fine though, she will require a lifetime of monitoring, tests and medication. The all clear is just for the tests she underwent a week ago. Still, it is a slight relieve to know that the tests turned out ok.

Was praying hard that it wouldnt be something bad. And thank you for your prayers too Mama Bok.

New House

Here are a few pictures taken during our housewarming (9 July 2006). Click on any pic during the slideshow to view a bigger picture. Will post more house pics once we have everything arranged.

I dont want to give anyone a shock when they see how messy and unorganised the house is at the moment!

Sisters

TO ALL MY SISTERS

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,

drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother.

As they talked about life, about marriage,

about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood,

the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully

and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised,

swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass.

"They'll be more important as you get older.

No matter how much you love your husband,

no matter how much you love the children you may have,

you are still going to need Sisters.

Remember to go places with them now and then;

do things with them.

"Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...

your girlfriends, your daughters

and all your other women relatives too.

"You'll need other women - Women always do."

'What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought.

'Haven't I just gotten married?

Haven't I just joined the couple-world?

I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake!

A grown-up! Surely my husband and the family we may start

will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her Mother.

She kept contact with her Sisters

and made more women friends each year.

As the years tumbled by, one after another,

she gradually came to understand

that her Mom really knew what she was talking about.

As time and nature work their changes

and their mysteries upon a woman,

Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

After more than 50 years of living in this world,

here is what I've learned: THIS SAYS IT ALL:

Time passes. Life happens.

Distance separates. Children grow up.

Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break.

Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end.

BUT......... Sisters are there,

no matter how much time

and how many miles are between you.

A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley

and you have to walk it by yourself,

the women in your life will be on the valley's rim,

cheering you on, praying for you,

pulling for you, intervening on your behalf,

and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules

and walk beside you.

Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,

daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law,

Mothers, Grandmothers, Auntie's, nieces, cousins,

and extended family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women,

and neither would I.

When we began this adventure called womanhood;

we had no idea of the incredible joys

or sorrows that lay ahead.

Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.

Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful.

I just did.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Got this in my email today. Somehow it has summed up a lot of what I feel. I am fortunate to have a lot of wonderful 'Sisters' in my life. Not forgetting the few precious ones whom I have not seen in person, and yet, I feel so comfortable with them as if I have known them for years. Yes, this includes you Mama Bok, Maygs, Aunty Padmasani (I hope I have not left someone out!) and anyone else who reads my blog and has given me encouragement when I needed it the most.

No one is obliged to sit and read someone's blog, let alone feel for them or have to write them a few words to let them know that they are not alone.

The internet is a really strange place. There are so many bad things about it that its scary. But like a small ray of sunshine, these are the good things that makes the internet a better place. For this, I am thankful!

Mom

I just saw a movie called 'Dawn Anna'. It entails the struggle of a single mother who contracts a rare form of cancer and her big struggle towards her road to recovery from the disease. Thats basically the gist of the story. Go watch it if you can.

Anyways, this entry isnt about the movie, it is about my mother. My mom has been struggling with a combination of Gastrinoma and Carcinoma - 2 rare cancer forms for the past 3 years. From diagnosis till today, her life has been filled with numerous surgeries, procedures, scans, tests, pain, doctor appointments, hospital stays and medications by the bus load. Parts of her intestines, stomach, gall bladder, spleen etc have been removed to try and halt the progress of the cancer. To further increase all her suffering, she has been recently diagnosed as having Parkinson's disease due to trauma from major surgery.

There have been days, usually right after a major surgery, where I have been afraid to go to sleep or to wake up in the morning because I was afraid that something drastic might have happened to my mom while I was asleep. I have sat outside the operation theatres in a morbid state of fear for more times than I would like to remember. My mother has spent a month in a row, violently throwing up bitter green bile after a surgery, these were the times when she could hardly lift herself off the bed without help from someone. At one point in time, she was refusing food because she just didnt want to throw up. Once, I was helping her up from the sofa and it was a bit difficult because the sofa seat was sunken in, my mom got so frustrated with herself that she just started crying in my arms because she felt so helpless.

You know what the most miserable part for me is? Although I can see her suffer and see her in pain, there is nothing I can do to help her at all. It hurts so much deep inside that when all of it overwhelms me, I cry myself to sleep at night. When I see her hand shaking uncontrollably, it feels as if someone is throwing arrows right at my heart. She has always been a very independent woman and she is the one who kept her family running before getting married to my father. Why such blows for her?

Whenever I pray at home or at the temple, i automatically start getting choked up with tears and I end up sobbing my eyes out. Why must all this happen to my mom? And why doesnt God even give me the power to give her everything her heart desires and keep her happy? I wish I had the money to take her to a few nice places for holidays. I wish I had a car to drive her around as she pleases, to go shopping or to meet her friends for a chat and coffee. I wish I could buy her a big house with a big garden. I wish I can employ maids so that my mom doesnt have to lift a finger to do housework. I wish I could make her proud by getting a degree. I wish I could just make all her worries go away.

I just want to make her happy, is that too much to ask? But life is never very fair isnt it.
Its very painful for me to see all that she is undergoing and to give her the strength when I am being torn apart inside. This is living hell, there can be no pain bigger than the torture I am going through right now. I just love my mom so much, that if it was possible, I would gladly suffer in place of her with a smile on my face.

pic post

Where are the pics?....
Hmmm....
Blogger isnt letting me upload any....
To be continued...

Long ago...

How long has it been since I last blogged? Hmmm...no idea. Anyways my posts were bordering on neurotic derangement and I am glad I stopped before I started ranting like a lunatic.

Life goes on no matter what happens. People go away and some people get together. Thats life I guess and disappointment goes hand in hand with this. Enough about it, I shall explain in detail some other time.

I am looking for a challenging job. But its a bit slow in happening although I am confident that I will land the job I desire and like. Its torture to go to work everyday when you dont like the job you do. For me, I simply abhor sitting at a desk and banging away on the computer. I dont get to interact with people much, (small company) and that is making me very miserable. I want to feel that I am doing my part in making someone's life better. Not just to help the company make money and I dont even get appreciated for the donkey hours I put in.

Life goes on...

Ingrates

Everything and anything that can go wrong has gone wrong just within the past 5 days. Its still going wrong.

I have had it up to my neck with the way the bosses are treating me. I am not a bloody slave. Today's episode really leaves me fuming. There were some important calls I had to take due to some house issues. Just twice I had to go out of the office to discuss something important. And the moment I came in I got a huge telling off from the boss that if I was going to go out to answer personal calls and not be able to look after the office phone, then I can take my phone and leave. I was really stunned with what he said and if I hadnt managed to take control of my emotions, I would have started crying.

Although they leave me alone in the office most times, I have not abused my privileges and made/received unnecessary calls during work hours. even when they are around and a call comes in on my mobile, I cut the line and call the person back during lunch.

Dont they have the decency and the brains to judge. Or the least they can do is to have asked me why I needed to take the calls. Instead,shouting at me like an uncouth barbarian is crazy. They are well educated and so much older than me, dont they know how to handle such things.

I am mighty pissed off with their attitude towards me. I am not serving a prison sentence during office hours whereby I cannot make/ take calls on my mobile. Am not an idiot like them to not know how to behave.

This whole month I have been so stressed and overworked. Even did manual labour for them and stayed back so many hours to help the office shifting. This is the kind of gratitude I get. I neglected my own house shifting even and these basket cases take me for a jolly idiot.

Just because the company isnt doing too good, it doesnt mean that I am their punching bag to vent their frustrations on. I might just be an employee, but I have feelings too. I am just so sick of this work and this workplace. Ingrates, all of them.