ill will

My lack of posts this week is attributed to a bad case of the flu (and fever). The whole week was spent in a daze from all the woozy medications the doctor put me on. He threatened that I would end up with pneumonia if I dont complete my antibiotics and medicines as my chest was severly congested!
Well, I am almost fine now except for a mild remnant of the cold (i.e. cough and runny nose and diarrhoea from something I ate yesterday)

Now for something that is long overdue. I sincerely appreciate Mama Bok's wishes and thoughts and all the comments I had for my previous post from my friends, Mama Bok's friends and passers-by. Mama Bok, you are a great person I have come to know through blogging and I cherish your kind thoughts. Thank you *Big HUG* I am much better now.

Existence

I have reached a point in my life where I look behind and find myself standing alone. My blog has turned into a pseudo-diary for me to confide my feelings of despair, because there is no one else for me to talk to at this point of time.

I am a total wreck inside. My emotions have been building up for some time now and its just a matter of time before all of it explodes.

The reason I realized I was so fragile is because I was nearly hit by a truck yesterday while I was crossing the road at Holland Road. If the passerby had not seen me and pulled me away to stop me from crossing, I would have had to be scraped off the road last night.

Desperately need an avenue to vent my frustrations and sorrows. The previous times I felt like this, I got into useless relationships and dug myself further into a pit. I am sad that my life is this way. I must be a terrible and useless person to end up standing like a vagabond in the middle of the streets without anyone to lean onto.

For now, I just exist.

Blah Weekend

1. Wash 3 loads of laundry (2 machine wash, 1 hand wash)
2. Vacuum the house and carpet
3. Mop the house
4. Scrubbed and washed both the bathrooms
5. Washed up the pots and plates from breakfast
6. Changed my bedsheets

ARRRgggghhh...my day of rest turned into one of unrest! And today my shoulders feel as though they are going to fall of any moment. I have just one question...Why does the weekend seem so short always.

I Dont Like Housework!

Useless

I am just a useless being taking up space on earth.
I have no aim.
I cause grieve to others.
I am of no use to anyone.

Why am I alive?
My existance is as good as null.
I am a total waste.
I hate me.

FRUSTRATED

Sometimes live just seems to be a never ending rut of hopelessness....

Day going wrong

You know its one of those days when you know that nothing is going to be right. When you step into the office and your boss screams at you saying that a shipment is being botched up and there is nothing anyone can do about it. When you pick up the phone and everyone just screams at you as well. When you trip on the bloody rug on the floor and twist your ankle so bad it hurts even when you keep it still and you cannot go home to rest the ankle because there is so much work to do. Nope, my day is just not going right at all.
It is one of those days. I just dread to think what more disasters will follow...

Lots of things

Lots of things have happened of late. I do not know where to start, and when I do start, I am not going to be able to stop.

Most days I feel like a round peg trying to fit into a square. I am still very confused as to what I want to find myself doing in 10 years time. Many would be surprised with this confession of mine, but it is the plain truth. I am just wading blindly through the dark trying to find a rope to hold on to.

I have no idea what I want or what I want to do. And it is so scary sometimes. For all of my 24 years, I have just floated aimlessly from one thing to another in the hopes of finding my forte one day. I am still floating and my goal doesnt seem anywhere nearer than before.

What my birthdate means

Hehehehe....

Your Birthdate: May 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride.Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing.When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it.It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

bone tired

I have been so busy lately that I simply did not have the energy to type up a post.

Diwali preparations and work simply exhausts me.

Let me take this opportunity to wish all Hindus a Happy Diwali and all Muslims a Selamat Hari Raya Puasa...

Sorry for the sporadic post. I will resume normal blogging from next week....Tataaaaa

Dopey

I have been a big dope these days. Too many things on my mind which renders me incapable of thinking or writing coherently. That explains my absence from my blog...

Anyways, I got a new phone and here is a self portrait I took in the office on the 14th Oct 2005.

Chocolate c0nd0ms

HEhehehe nopes this is not a x-rated post... It has something to do with a dream I had last night.
My dream was very very weird and very funny and I can recall the whole dream rather vividly. Just too funny not to write down for posterity.
" I was at a store...and I kept looking all around me to check if anyone was around. Then I took a box of chocolate flavoured c0nd0ms and paid for it. Out of no where a cousin of mine catches me red-handed and takes me aside. She begins questioning me what I am doing buying this and why I need so many(!!!) and that she was going to tell my mother."

Just then my alarm rang and woke me up. But this was the weirdest dream I ever had.

Spreeeee

I think I went mental today. Was feeling bored and decided to go down to Jurong Point just to window shop. BUT I ended up buying:
1. a brown skirt
2. a pair of white slippers
3. a pack of panties (hehehe it was on sale!)
4. the refill S-bags for the vacuum cleaner (technically not a personal purchase, but still it was money spent)
5. one falafel for me to munch on
6. two bottles of jam for home (strawberry and marmalade)

AAAHHHHHhhhh..... I have been bitten by the sale bug. It was hard to drag myself away from the stores.

Lost

Lost something precious today. I am upset and its past 1 am and i cant sleep. Hope I find it soon. It means a lot to me...and its irreplaceable. :(

Tummy Troubles

Having carrot + apple juice is a bad idea. My stomach started rumbling and I have been running to the loo. AAAA I feel the loo beckoning me again. bye

Wedding bells...

I had to do a quick run to the store this morning for some red lentils. I walked to the Indian grocer nearby and was looking around for the lentils and happened to overhear a conversation between another customer and the lady boss. The customer, an Indian lady who was around 50 years of age was lamenting that her husband has been telling her that he wished that she would die soon and that he will have peace only with her(the wife) dead! I was totally revolted and disgusted with this.

My blood must have reached boiling point. I dont know what the problem is between the couple but it is definitely not a pleasant thing to have your partner wishing you were dead and telling you to go and die soon. The woman must have cooked, cleaned, made love, bore his children and tended to his needs since the day she got married. And the gratitude she gets in return is simply great. What kind of a world are we living in to have not even have an ounce of compassion to a person you married and promised to cherish till the time you pass on?

Why do people get married in the first place? If it is just for sex or to have someone to clean the house and have your children etc, there are many other ways which do not involve a legal bind. Marriage should only be when one feels that their life begins each day when they wake up and see their loved one by their side, and they pray that for the rest of their lives their loved one will stand by their side to fight and conquer everything that comes their way.

On a side note, my mother is getting desperate to have me married off. When I see things like the above conversation, sometimes I wonder if I do want to get married in the first place and to bring children into a world that is getting worse each day.

I am totally confused right now and its scary.

Beautiful...

This song sung by Bombay Jaishree has been playing on my mind since I got up this morning. The lyrics are simply beautiful beyond words...The music (Raag: Behag) and the lyrics entwine as one and create a perfect listening pleasure for anyone who hears. The antics of Lord Krishna are so simply written in terms that laymen can comprehend. A must hear for every music lover.

The link for your listening pleasure...
http://www.musicindiaonline.com/p/x/4q223u_oIt.As1NMvHdW/

FINALLY

Whew I finally got my red flag today! I know it is not normal to show this much enthusiasm for the monthly thing, but I was really feeling very bloated and horrid. (NO, Big Bok, unless I conceived by immaculate conception, there is no possibility of me being pregnant although the signs were similar! :P ) The cramps are bad as usual, but at least I can look forward to feeling 'lighter' tomorrow. Sorry if this was too much information to some of you.

The weekend flew by quickly as usual. Of late, the days have been flying by so quickly that the New Year will be here before you know it.

Right now, Diwali is approaching, and it entails a lot of cleaning, preparation etc. On Diwali day itself, I will be so tired out from all the prep work that I will be beyond exhaustion and moody throughout the day. When guests come, we have to serve them meals and drinks (not alcohol!) and snacks. I dont remember actually sitting down and chatting with guests at all. For me Diwali will usually be the day we have prayers for our ancestors. It usually will be about a week before Diwali and all my immediate family will congregate at my house for the prayers. HMmmm one month countdown starts now...

25 floors

For the past 3 days I have been:

- Feeling bloated due to water retention
- nauseous
- grumpy
- sleepy

Still no sign of my 'beloved monthly friend' If it does not appear tomorrow, I will jump of the 25th floor. This is getting to be too annoying.

No Time

I am functioning in PMS mode now so that explains all the cribbing I have been doing lately. So, this is a warning that the following post is highly irrational and has been induced due to the monthly torture that women have to go through. You have been warned.

While on the way to work today while I was standing and holding on to dear life in the train, my mind was filled with too many ramblings. Just a few months ago, when I did not have a proper job and I was sitting at home desperately applying for every job under the sun, I used to envy everyone with a job. The yearning grew into a frenzied need to the extent that I became a recluse for some time. I did not go out anywhere and just sat at home surfing job sites and applying for jobs. I hated when the phone rang and I was the only one who was around to answer, all the relatives of mine just seemed to have only one accusing question when they heard my voice "HAVE YOU GOT A JOB YET?". After hearing it constantly for 2 years, it not only gets irritating , but it demoralises your soul to a very low scum-like level.

Anyways, now I have a job. It was what I prayed for and my prayers have been answered by the higher authorities above. I should have nothing to complain.

There is always a BUT somewhere here. I find myself with no time to do the things I like doing. The thought that for the next 30 odd years or so, I am going to be stuck in this rat race existence simply scares me. We don't have a choice to get out of this mundane cycle of life. Work is crucial for survival. It is very scary, and very sad. This makes me yearn for the free time I had before, but which was never pleasant to me due to the torturous comments everyone made. My believe stays strong that Everything is happening for good, and Everything will be good. I shall end with this poem...

LEISURE

What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.
(W. H. Davies)

Closets and Skeletons

Most people will be dumbfounded if the even know the things I have done. (Only one person knows, and I trust her to keep my secrets safe) I do not wish to confess on my blog and have all my friends and blog readers dropping like flies.

Having done many foolish spur of the moment things, I can say I am at least a little wiser now. I try to think before I go headlong into something blindly. These impulsive tendencies have put me in many dilemmas and so much pain. I say I have gotten over things, but in reality, my heart is being ripped out every minute of the day.

Pain never gets lesser and it never goes away. It always will be around as a constant reminder of what was done. It was few years ago on this day that my stupidity reigned supreme and caused me to do something rather foolish and sad. This was followed by a further succession of even dumber antics till I was told by the secret-knowing person that it was time for me to shape up.

I long for days gone by. Where I was so full of life and cheer. Repercussions were unknown entities. I wish I had the power to change the past, so that I would not hang my head in shame when I think about it.